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May 22
2009
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You have to love America. Okay, you don’t HAVE to love America, but you have to appreciate some of the shi* Americans come up with.
While doing some research for work I stumbled across their website www.ready.gov. A site dedicated to being ‘ready’. This just blew my mind – they are so prepared that they are getting ready to get ready. It’s beyond me. Anyway – unable to restrain my painfully sarcastic sense of humor I started to laugh – and to explore. It’s not very user friendly – they may have to make another site – www.getreadyforgettingreadytogetreadyonready.gov What I loved most about the site was their ‘get ready for terrorism’ images. Similar to the instructional pictures you find in those plastic aeroplane booklets - which are disturbingly close to the vomit bag and probably covered in terrorist germs – I couldn’t help but find the images rather -ambiguous.
I have decided to interpret them in my own unique, retarded (though not any more retarded than the paranoid website and some of their own explanations) way:
MY GUIDE TO TERRORISM PREPAREDNESS
Never run when your back is on fire.
If an exit door is locked – karate chop it exactly three times- and it should open.
If there is a hazardous substance – spend some time thinking about it – it’s likes, dislikes, what it might do on a weekend in the country. Just – think about it.
Your cupboard door is an entrance to the gates of hell. Don’t go there.
Some telephones are actually practicing physicians – look for a phone with no numbers on it.
If you have been exposed to chemicals – remember – wash your hands (one hand MUST be armless) under a faucet with NO sink. This is important.
If radiation has transformed you into a hideous monster with a mutated hand – close the window – no one wants to see that.
Radiation can cause you to grow into a giant-man – remember to watch your head!
If you realize you are being exposed to radiation –see how long you can stand there for. The world record is 00:00:05:12.
After all human life is gone –most machines and appliances will live on forever - although it looks as though laptops will live the longest. How does this make you feel?
In the event of a terrorist attack – take the time for a friendly family photograph. These are the treasured moments you will want to remember most.
It’s not that I don’t take terrorism seriously – it’s just that I think the American Government made it up as a scare-tactic to grow their greedy empire and suck oil from country’s whose politics disagree with theirs – in a nutshell…. :D LOVE Fridays
J Hooray for the sexy little weekend ;) !
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kyle stroebel
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... brilliant, im normally to timid to comment on your blogs but this was really good humour! on the whole American issue... Still cant believe the amount of flack Obama is receiving for trying to close Guantanamo Bay. Yes, it might hold some dangerous terrorists, but chances are it holds a couple of innocent people just stranded under the patriot act that allows them to be held indefinatley without charges being laid. Cheney continues to defend his torture techniques he used during the bush administration and somehow still holds a 35% approval rating among the public. WTF indeed! |
Kelly Lime
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... Radiation can cause you to grow into a giant-man – remember to watch your head! hahahahahahahahahahaha cool blog |
Devin Herd
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... Some might find it interesting that one of the primary torture techniques used at Guantanamo is MUSIC TORTURE. Some of the songs used include: - Sesame Street Theme Tune - Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA - Eminem - Slim Shady - Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive Check out this map for a look: http://microformats.dk/kort/mapchannel/musictorture.html |
athini
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... If you realize you are being exposed to radiation –see how long you can stand there for. The world record is 00:00:05:12. hahahaaa.. i love that one |
Craig Stack
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... "MY GUIDE TO TERRORISM PREPAREDNESS" - Thanks for keeping us up to date and ready for any radiation attacks   |
Kenrick Hendricks
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... Your cupboard door is an entrance to the gates of hell. Don’t go there. Hilarious... |
Andrew Kirkby
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... These are classic! I found a few more interpretations on the net:  If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.  Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!  Hurricanes, animal corpses, and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.  Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.  Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile |
kyle stroebel
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... yeah there are brilliant ones out there! thrye by a guy called Robert Lipman, hes a anti Amercan government activist who uses alot of humour in his work. these are the bit of stuff i have seen him do! see his webpage: http://terrasol.home.igc.org/index.htm  Don't trust the Swiss. They have developed floating tents and will try to steal your lungs while you sleep.  If a terrorist steals your emergency brake handle, a banana makes a suitable substitute  If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton, or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell |
tash chapman
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... hahahaha those are brilliant!!!! - you found my secret source of inspiration  stroebel what do you mean 'timid' - there's no way you are timid!!!!  |
kyle stroebel
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... me? timid? never! in response to your articles... slightly "shy" and slightly "intimidated" definately enters the spectrum. the whole "computer warrior" thing is easy when i say my bit, its dealing with responses and responding in kind thast i battle with! yet like i said before, lovely blog |
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