PLAYING I'VE NEVER ... 

It was a cult phenomenon among under-age drinking circles – the concept being that you say something you’ve never done and if anyone else HAS done it – they drink. But the truth is – it was hardly ever the truth. Because if all it took to pry out our deepest darkest secrets was to play a drinking game – well – it would be an instrumental part of international political meetings, pre-marital discussions between potential parents-in-law and an activity I would partake in before dating ANYONE.But. But SOMEtimes you get lucky. Ooh sometimes you hit the big time and happen to stumble upon a poor drunk soul who has decided to bare it all. This person has forgotten the unwritten rule of I’ve never. Never play when too drunk. In fact – it’s not really a drinking game that people of age enjoy – because it’s sort of like spin the bottle. It used to be exciting, funny and presented the potential for gain. Now – it’s borderline lame. Do we care who has been to a strip club? Which girls have kissed girls? Who has run naked around a public place? No. Not really. Because we’re sort of grown ups and we’re totally desensitized and relatively disinterested. Also – the older you get, the less funny, quirky, naughty things you’ve never done. When it gets to my turn I’m nervous I’ll be left uhhmmmming – trying to magically mentally concoct an ‘ive never’ that’s at least half true and quite interesting. So when my brother got home after a big night, and told me he’d played ‘I’ve never’ I thought lovingly back on the old classic and wondered what I could possibly say… these are the relatively conservative ‘I’ve never’s I came up with:

I have never watched the TCM channel. Yep. Never. In fact I’ve never even paused on it – like when you’re browsing through the DSTV ‘bouquet’ and you stop for a second when an intriguing image or movie title catches your eye. Never happened. I have no interest in watching badly dubbed black and white Westerns.

I’ve never liked Gossip Girl. Shock Horror. I think it’s another stereotypical made-for-teenage-girls money making American TV show designed to play on how superficial and materialistic our society has become. Long sentence. Seriously – it basically epitomizes the paradigm shift of society. From scripts and shows that offered something intellectual or comedic, towards marshmallow-plastic girls who feed off drama and putting each other down. Puke.

Never ever have I ever been approached by a hooker. So either you’re nodding in agreement and slight confusion or you’re feeling somewhat embarrassed. I know a few people who were ‘casually chilling’ when a hooker ‘surprisingly popped out of nowhere’ and asked if they’d like to have a good time. This – fortunately – has never happened to me.

I’ve never been able to watch porn without laughing. I just can’t get over how bad the music is. We’ve all been to ‘that’ friend’s house when we were young whose dad/older brother has what he thinks is a ‘secret porn stash’. And watched it. To be perfectly honest the first thing that really struck me – before I recognized the lame scripts and cringe-worthy acting, was the shocking music. It makes me laugh. Not conducive to a romantic/sexy atmosphere. If my boyfriend had to try and show me porn to get me in the mood – even if I got over the music – the dialogue and plot would –without fail – make me giggle. It’s too much.

Girl with oversized breasts is wiping kitchen counter in tiny red leather skirt. Doorbell rings.

“Woo could zat bee?” she asks (in fake German accent)

She dramatically opens the door.

“It is I. Frederick – The Plumber. I have come to unblock your pipes.” He answers, his shirtless chest dripping with coconut oil.

She is suddenly, suspiciously overcome with desire and allows Frederick to sweep her off her feet and onto the recently-cleaned kitchen counter where he whips off her clothes … elevator music ensues …. The rest of the film will undoubtedly involve some girl-on-girl action, a murder, a hat that makes you want to have sex, either a pirate or a fireman and some very disturbing, difficult to discern what you’re seeing exactly – extreme close-ups.

Where’s the build-up of sexual tension? Where is the anticipation? The excitement? I guess some girls will never get it. I happen to be one of them.

Never ever have I ever danced while cleaning my house. They do it all the time in movies. In fact – I think that EVERY cleaning scene in a movie involves some form of dancing. It’s as though the sight of their duster brings along an unavoidable desire to dance. My duster just brings on a whole lot of procrastination – and I prefer it that way.

Never have I EVER liked musicals. I hate musicals. If I never have to watch a musical again I will die a happy woman. They are so annoying. Just as you think the plot is about to thicken, the kitchen maid will burst into song about her poverty-stricken situation and next thing you know there’s a fifteen-minute dance routine done by human-sized knives and forks - which is annoyingly avoiding the main narrative. This does not include Broadway productions performed by professionals ie: CATS. Phantom of The Opera.

I’ve never not been scared of ghosts. It might be silly but if I am lying in bed and I hear a weird noise the first thing that comes to mind is that it just might be a ghost. A ghost who is fu*king with me – playing it’s ghosty tricks – trying to be funny. I also still have qualms with swimming by myself at night because I can’t see what’s in the water and - I am not fond of snails. Not because they’re snails – I’m not trying to be a bitch to the race of snails - But one of my greatest fears of all time is STEPPING on a snail – barefoot. Honestly it scares the crap out of me.

Lastly, Never have I ever told the entire truth in a game of I’ve never. Which I’m sure is making you wonder ….. hmmm…. Maybe she does like the music they play in pornos – in fact – she probably waits for the credits and DOWNLOADS the ENTIRE soundtrack! Or maybe she DOES hate all snails and in a cruel, inhumane way actually WANTS to stand on them – while she’s dance-cleaning, watching a B-grade musical AND being approached by a prostitute… well I can assure you that my blogs are always honest – but I can’t say the thought’s never crossed my mind ;)