Online Dating, Can the youth of South Africa do it?
Posted by: kyle stroebel in Humour on Jun 29, 2009
PLEASE NOTE: while i have done the utmost to keep all forms of journalistic integrity, this is a comical piece. This MUST not be taken seriously, its a joke based on fact. All research is real, all people are real... and we all know how much funnier people are in real life. However all names, aliases and pseudonyms have been changed, well... except Craigs.
Everyone wants to be loved, and in a perfectly constructed utopian society; everyone can be. But in a world where relationships and notions of love are being dictated by “lol’s” and “J’s”, have we overstepped our bounds? The world of online dating has revolutionized the way we interact with the opposite sex, or the same sex, or both at the same time if you’re on the right website. But is this digital liaison between two strangers, sitting behind their computer desks, really the way we want to be meeting people? If you meet a lady whose profile picture features an effervescent young brunette lying spread-eagle over a 1966 Dodge Challenger, chances are she’s a 40-something divorcée gripped in the bounds of unemployment, breast feeding her sixth illegitimate child, smoking Chesterfield filters while looking for a fourth father for her little sweethearts. Or she’s an inquisitive tween with a penchant for partial nudity and antique cars, but my skepticism is leading me towards the former. But this unsavory reputation was based on flawed facts and 10 year old Frasier episodes so I decided I had to examine it for myself. However I was placed on an ethical hardground where my morals and sophisticated upbringing wouldn’t allow me to discover the possibilities of cyber romance, plus I have brown hair. Enter Craig Stack, one of my closest friends. This fiery 20 something doesn’t rely on the same principled obligations I find myself adhering too. Morals to him are like lubed up cucumbers to straight men and thus he made the perfect candidate for my experiment. So I created him a fictitious profile on Match.com, the world’s largest online dating site, and the responses I received were shocking, jaw-dropping and oddly arousing.
The more research I did into the topic, the more it became strikingly apparent that there are two types of online services. The first is that one that helps you find your soul mate, that special someone who you were destined to be with, and reading a lot of the testimonials this actually seems to have happened. Married couples praising the sites and how they’ve helped them are a dime a dozen. The internet has realistically only been around for 14 years and online dating a mere half of that, so I’ll let time be the judge on this one. The profile does take a good hour or two to complete and its highly detailed, the site then links you to other profiles that would partner you “perfectly”. Some of the high end pay sites guarantee you a match, and at a minimum cost of $500 per month they fucking better. In fact I want Liz Hurley in a French maid outfit bringing me ice cold draughts for that price. The second kind of site is the “lets put a bunch of numbers after our name (i.e. Brandy315), upload a good avatar, lie in every aspect of our profile, but fuck anyway”. Websites geared towards unadulterated sex, kind of like a digital trucker stop without the meth. We even have local ones like www.love2havesex.co.za, which, to be frank, looks like a middle aged Afrikaans swingers party in the Free State, but who am I to judge? In a day and age where sexually transmitted diseases are in as much abundance as Jacob Zuma’s wives I think we need to become progressively more circumspect about slinging around the man sausage, and whatever derogatory name you can think of for the female genitalia.
Ok ok, so you’re waiting with bated breath to hear about Craig and his lovers. Before I continue please note that although Craig might appear to lack any sought of noble upstanding he is actually a man of honorable virtue and fundamental moral fiber. Wait, I can’t keep up this charade, but it’s kind of required because he’s currently in a relationship with a woman I actually rather like. The ladies that are featured all proactively pursued our red-headed love demon based on the load of completely baseless information I used to create his profile, and while their exact intentions were never disclosed it appears incredibly easy to double click your way to a first date. Please note that all the women wished to remain nameless and I have given my best effort to ensure their anonymity is kept sacred and dignity left intact. Ummm, ya right… Internet sluts for the win! (I did however change their usernames, I’m not a massive fan of lawsuits, at least against me)
FIRST OFF: View Craigs Profile that lured these lucious ladies here >>>>> http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/2587/craigprofile1copyb.jpg
Michelle1343: Hailing from Kempton Park she is by far the most attractive potential mate for my mate. Well, as attractive as you can be from the neck up. She describes herself as “rambunctious” and from my experience whenever a girl depicts herself as rambunctious she has a room filled with leather whips, locks, chains and turkey basters. Her personality, while somewhat bland, is decidedly playful, childlike and “blissfully immature”, and even though I did this for Craig, I’d definitely let this emotional infant use my genitals as a sippy cup. In other words im betting that she doesn’t have a penis. My fingers are crossed for you Craig!
SamSam141: Don’t let the fact that she looks like Mrs Brady after a Gin induced nervous breakdown fool you, this betty is hot. After paging through her profile pictures, I managed to find the only one that doesn’t feature her spread suggestively over some kind of indigenous tree (eroticism takes a different approach in the Northern Suburbs). However, fauna based pornography aside, she seems like a terrific gal. She loves canoeing, and who doesn’t? She has three kids, so naturally your Playstation fetishes can be fulfilled. Theres a general emphasis throughout her profile page on the outdoors, and, to be frank, there’s an orange beacon of hope at the front right of most outdoor dance gatherings. Holy shit Craig, I think you guys are meant to be together!
Ndumiso453: What is it with internet dating sites and putting numbers after your name? im pretty sure there aren’t 452 other Ndumisos trawling the love gallows of the world wide web. Anyhow, she seems nice. Rather banal, uninspiring and hackneyed, but not particularly offensive all the same. I have no idea why she winked at you Craig, your profile scored a 15% match with hers. This doesn’t lend itself towards a honeymoon in Antibes, because science tells us so remember! Another victim of the precarious Northern Subrubs, she likes to stay home, which definitely beats going out if you’re from that geographically grey area past Drubanville. More kids here too Craig, so make sure your Huggies collection, Bakers cricket bat and “Breast milk in a can” are tightly packed! Jokes aside she has an interest in politics, holds down a job at a reportedly respectable accounting firm and seems to have her head screwed on. Even though you stipulated only women aged 25 – 35, this aged cougar thought you might dip your toes into the sultry water of the 36 and above age category. Craig, are you willing to take that plunge?
Bertha69er: My oh my, this bird just oozes pure sex. I’m not too sure what to make of this gorgeous thing that may, or may not, have two legs. There’s two traits I look for in a chick, KFC and two packs a day, and by the looks of it this describes Bertha down to a tee. Don’t be fooled by the fact that she looks like she just ate her own Siamese twin; she’s from Citrusdal and she loves to party! *insert a picture of Steve Hofmeyer giving the thumbs up here* I think she saw your deep affection for RnB music and was immediately smitten Mr Stack. I don’t quite know what to make of this final girl; it surely can’t be real, another internet troll picking on the aesthetic disadvantages of vulnerable women perhaps? Who knows? But I’ve all of a sudden got a twitch for Citrusdal, which I just can’t seem to shake.
The route I chose, to see if the youth of today were making in-roads into 21st century dating techniques, was greatly flawed. My subject of allurement was on the rusty side of orange and had a profile not even Paula Abdul would take seriously. It was too much of a joke to attract serious female suitors; the big fish, the wrong tackle. However with an estimated 3 million African online dating users, this dark continent is slowly becoming more switched on. We don’t need sleazy bars and speed dating in school halls; we need 3G or ADSL and enough creativity to write your own name. The horror stories exist and there are predators out there that prey on susceptible house wives looking for a quick lay. But bars have roofies, armed bouncers, drunken idiots and well… Craig Stack. This could be an even safer alternative. People struggle to find their knight in shining armour, but on the net they can, even if hes covered himself in tinfoil instead. The internet has so much bad on it, dating sites are filled with people who just want to be happy. If I can go onto Youtube and see a scorpion battling a tarantula and they get off without moral judgement, why on earth is meeting someone from behind a pc monitor so taboo? Theres no reason, it just allows the unhappy ones among us to bring others down. And on the other hand, If you cant get laid, you get porn. Think of this as just a way more hands on version, so to speak.
