So you’ve received the thrilling news that “you’re a really a great guy, but i’m just not ready for commitment” or you’ve walked in on the Mrs wearing a horse bridal while your boss is playing the role of a pantsless jockey, or my personal favourite, “I like you as a friend”. Your emotions flare and a sudden fury builds, in your incensed state of rage you whack a vase as you leave her house in a huff. As you drive away, aiming for any unfortunate squirrel, rodent or small child that happens to cross your path, you realise a rather problematic conundrum that is bound to cause a slight hiccup on the road to emotional recovery: How do i get my shit back from her place? If its something small like a toothbrush, write it off to the doldrums of “doing it for the nookie”, but if you’ve left something of monetary or sentimental value, how do you re-cooperate your loss? Outsurance is great but a romantic spat is a sure-fire way to overload your premiums. Unless you have balls the size of melons, or suffered minor head trauma during a motorbike accident, going back to retrieve your goods is not really an option either. Downing a bottle of jack and putting quantities of booger sugar up your nose so that you have the courage of King Leonidas will probably result in physical harm, so that rules you out of the equation pretty much completely. So how do you get your stuff? The following is a guide to not only retaining your possessions, lost in the mists of horny bitches, but a way to make sure that no matter how defeated you may feel, you get to have the last laugh.

Well the first, and honestly the most boringly obvious answer, would be to use your best friend. While he might not be the Japanese kamikaze pilot you were hoping for, chances are your stuff will be returned in somewhat of a palatable order.  He has naturally experienced your anger and might offer a subtle gesture, like “offing” her hamster. Let him deceive her with a charming smile, a warm hug and a word of sympathy while he sneakily drops some rat poison into the gerbil food. All things considered i have to ask, what were you doing with a chick with a hamster to begin with? Sicko! If hes a really good mate he will seduce your former temptress and video tape the whole ordeal. Nothing pisses chicks off more than when you email their mother’s the amateur porno you made. All your items should be returned in perfect order and it wont even cost you a cent. Obvious? Effective!

Normally paying for sex is not a fundamental part of my repertoire, but it may have its uses. Create an utter state of ridicule by finding the most semi-attractive, yet ultra dirty tranny you can find and pay her a decent amount to go and pick up your clothing, ipod and/or gimp mask. Shock factor plays a large role in this technique as your long-lost poontang won’t quite know what to think. While inside, for a mere 50 rands extra, ask the hooker to maybe nick a couple of valuables; irritating things like remote controls, the last loo roll or her contact lenses. Then get her to use her toothbrush, make her brush real deep. Wait two weeks, lie in predator mode on your bed and see her cold-sore speckled lips glorify her Facebook page. How would we villains know of our success without the internet?! Honestly not all your possessions will probably be returned, but the embarrassment, disbelief and “What the Fuck?” factor should adequately make up for it.

Thirdly is what some might call extreme, but im a sucker for impact. Hire a couple of trained samurai assassins from the Yukuza crime family. Get them to bounce into her flat doing cart wheels, flailing nun-chucks and shouting inaudible Chinese ramblings. They grab her by the neck and say they’ve come here for one thing and one thing only. They call it “hemimoto” and she has no idea what it means. They start to go ninja ape shit, slicing up wall paper and maybe even knifing the television set. Eventually when her screams are about to make her expire and she cant take it for one second longer the biggest, roughest asian mother fucker walks up to her. She can feel his thick breath permeating her skin as he slowly whispers into her ear “Kyle’s gym bag”. By this stage you could have probably got them to ask her for her first born child’s hand in marriage and you would have got it, but would it really be that funny? Probably the most expensive tactic to implement but could you honestly think of anything more awesome?

Ok so I’ve used up my allotted time talking rubbish. In fairness a nice letter or covert phone call to her roommate would easily suffice.  But why let it? The onus is on you to ensure the spoils are split down the middle and you’re immediately getting off on the back foot.  I’m a huge fan of chloroform and believe its uses are endless. But if she wakes up thirty miles away, on a mountain top somewhere and the only thing missing is that Prada shirt you left at your last sleep over, theres one hell of a law suit coming your way. So chin up boys, never forget that youre the men and you wear the pants in the relationship, unless you left them behind, in which case; get a ninja.

~Stroob~