The primordial soup from which we are all formed has a few distinctive traits that it tends to apply to all its spawn. “Here’s a penis for you little boy, and a vagina for you darling girl”. But sometimes the almighty tends to negate certain rules and biological regulations. This tragic slap of the genetic hand is not a laughing matter, by any means. But if you know you’re a woman and look down one day in the shower to see a veiny third leg protruding from your cervix; don’t get into the Hollywood spotlight, by doing so you become subject to public scrutiny and the object of my satirical firing squad. Fame blurs ethical boundaries; your sex life is public knowledge, your life choices are scrutinized and the debate about your sexual orientation is as open as Julius Malemas vagina at a communist bring-and-braai. Recently there have been a few celebs in awkward gender situations. Naturally as a proud South African Caster Semenya immediately springs to mind. She got “dicked” around by our blithering bunch of incompetents at the South African athletics association and may have her world championship medal revoked over the fact that she has balls instead of a fallopian tract. They continue to deny that her muscular physique, chin stubble and overly formed wanking arm mean she is a man, but the controversy surrounding her has really helped destroy their credibility. Suddenly the nation is captivated by gender issues, is it a bird? Is it a man?  No, it’s a… ummm… ahhh… the new bad guy for Star Trek 2, and it can run the 800m in under 1 minute 56 seconds! But in the glitzy world of Hollywood’s elite, there seem to be a couple of stars hiding, or indeed creating bulges where there shouldn’t be. So naturally I found the only way to keep my writing integrity, would be to take my journalistic scapula and test it out on the red carpet.

When Lady Gaga sprang onto the scene last year, the whole world collectively bathed their ear drums in acid to the most irritating song of 2009: Poker Face. Her almost 24 hour rise to fame epitomized how revealing leotards, gang signs and raw sexuality can rocket you to the top of the billboard charts without any great deal of talent. Men globally were as turned on with their eyes as they were turned off with their ears. But after a few live performances it appeared as if the Lady was hiding two gobstoppers and an awfully large sour worm in her nether regions, and that’s literally where the sweet metaphor ends. Those males who’d learnt the words to that cacophony of pop music in the hope of maybe one day getting to sing it back to her, found a sudden repulsion not seen since Sasha Barren Cohen made his urethra talk in Bruno. I’m not so convinced, or at least I wasn’t until I did some research. In interviews she laughs at the topic and moves on, never dealing with the issue at hand. But then, at a performance in London a photo was taken that looked like a 1980’s bratwurst was trying to escape a crotch shaped Berlin wall. Ladies and gentlemen: a cock! Never have I been more intrigued by a penis. Could it be? I guess until she does some charity shoot for Playboy (Cause we really believe Pam Anderson got her kit off to save the animals), we’ll never know for sure. But the damning photographs and subsequent media frenzy has sparked off a great deal of web chatter.

There are a couple of other sexually ambiguous stars making gender waves. Jamie Lee Curtis may look like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, but a man? Surely not? This is possibly based more on rumors than anything else, but short hair, a flat chest and the voice of the Marlboro man if he lived to be 85 doesn’t exactly exude femininity. The media has toyed with this poor woman’s sex for some time and come to no definite conclusion, i guess the only way to know for certain is to bed this 60 year old possible he/she, are you willing to take that plunge? Carrot Top is the second most famous ginger haired human being of all time, but he still looks like the offspring of Michael Jackson and Nicole Kidman in a mating frenzy gone wrong. Either that or Donatella Versace after two years of steroid abuse, I can’t quite decide. Just because he appears as if he lost a bet with his plastic surgeon, does not mean hes a cross gender closet case. But he has remarkably feminine features for a man that can bench press a Fiat Uno and thus he has his skeptics. Word on the street is he was offered a spot on the L-Word, HBO’s successful lesbian drama, and in that instant became the most sexually confused individual on the planet. I don’t want to say he doesn’t have a secret vadge tucked away somewhere, but I’ll hold off on painting him with the shemale brush for the time being.

Then of course there is the other end of the spectrum, the tranny chasers, those men who like a woman with something a little extra. I’ve never understood the allure of a transvestite, I don’t know what it is, maybe its because I had a private school education, maybe its because I have a few sacred family values, or maybe I just don’t naturally enjoy the site of a woman winky…  but Harry Potter does. Yip Daniel Radcliffe is the latest to enjoy the caress of a masculine feminine, and a 6 foot 8 inch one at that (her height, not her length). He is open about his relationship, but expressed dismay when he couldn’t use the “expelliamus” spell on her vagina, and instead was left with a rather peculiar looking love wand. Moral of the story: Never combine magic with genetics, and for fuck sakes would someone get that scalpel away from Dumbledore! Other celebrities have sucked on the trans gender lollipop of romance; Hugh Grant wet his lips a couple of years back, but in fairness he’d stick his dick in a sheep if they could only bat their eyelids at him. And you know Kid Rock has woken up one morning after a drunken orgy and thought “where the fuck am I?”, looked under the sheets, made an audible gasp, tried to make the quietest exit and pushed the incident to the back of his memory vaults along with his first album, Pam’s pregnancy and all his moral values from childhood. But in a world with 680 quadrazillion people, you are eventually going to come across some gender anomalies. That’s fair and well and my sympathies to those effected, even though chances are you were a Satan worshipping child molester in your previous life. But if you aren’t blessed with regular sexual organs, don’t get into the public eye. Well not if you aren’t willing to be harassed by bored talentless assholes like me. The paparazzi are utilitarian bastards and they wont let it go. So get back on your high horse, keep a low profile and thank god every day that you didn’t turn out like Amy Winehouse, because for some reason her species decided to not even do gender!

~Stroob~